Hi,
Last week, Matt and I hiked Mt. Yale, a 14er just outside of Buena Vista. A 14er is a mountain over 14,000 feet, which sounds impressive enough that you would think we would have prepared a little more thoroughly. It had been on the calendar for several months, but just because something is on the calendar doesn’t mean you have actually planned for it. We figured that as long as we had enough water (a mistake we’ve made in the past) and plenty of snacks, we’d be fine. Just a long walk uphill, right?
So we set off at 5:30am, when the light was just barely enough to see without a headlamp. Both in shorts with light sweaters and CamelBaks loaded with water. It was chilly, but I figured the sun would be up soon and I’d be thankful I didn’t have to haul a bunch of layers. That was our first mistake (the second was forgetting our PB&J in the fridge).
Despite it all, we made it to the final stretch. I was half frozen, feeling rather foolish as every hiker heading back down was wearing parkas, hats, gloves, and all manner of layers to stay warm. Those first rays of sunshine I felt were barely soaked into my skin before the wind whisked them away.
The last 500 feet or so was a scramble over these massive boulders. The trail was not obvious, just marked by little rock piles to let you know you were headed in the right direction. We went forward, then back tracked, then looked for a new route, each one seemingly more treacherous than the last. My fingers lacked circulation, my jaw was chattering, my muscles screaming. Our altitude was officially 14,000 feet and so we made the call to turn back without reaching the true finish.
As we slowly made the long descent down, my body finally finding some warmth, I jokingly justified our actions. We were basically there, just didn’t make it to some arbitrary spot. That last scramble was insane, how is it even possible to get around those boulders!? The further away I got, the more sun warmed my core, I wondered: Did that even count?
I think it’s so funny how an immeasurable God created humans who love the measurable. Give me a goal and a three-step process to get there and I’m your gal. Give me an open-ended assignment where I can choose, “whatever I want” and I’ll get stuck, paralysed and procrastinate until someone tells me what to do. I like systems and processes. I do enjoy going with the flow, with the caveat that the goal is to go with the flow.
Which is maybe why motherhood has been such a challenge. It is one of the most immeasurable things, particularly in those early years. I cringed when anyone would ask me, “What did you do today?” Because how do you measure the work of rocking, feeding, wiping, soothing, redirecting, repeating, cleaning, and starting all over again?
Motherhood requires setting aside your timeline, your goals, and your ideas of what you want to accomplish. It demands you to trust. Ugh.
But if I can put all that aside (and that’s a really big “if”), I can step back and see what a gift it is to serve a God that I can’t measure. I can’t contain Him in a to-do list, limit Him to a goal, shrink Him to fit into my accomplishments. He does not compare us to one another giving bonus points for doing all the dishes before bed (or reaching the exact summit of a mountain).
Maybe this whole email is just me continuing to justify my shortcomings, but I think what I am trying to express is this: God knows you so well. He sees your specific set of circumstances, He knows that you’re short on sleep, the baby isn’t napping and the toddler keeps waking you up too. He knows what you’re facing, the tension you might be feeling, the lack of free time, the hormones, the empty tank of gas.
“For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. (Colossians 1:16-17, emphasis mine)
He’s not waiting for you to pull yourself together, He is already holding you together. And thinking about that just makes me want to praise Him.
What a gift it is, that our immeasurable God has given us the gift of Himself. Whether you came fully prepared for whatever circumstances were thrown at you or whether you found yourself lacking, He remains beside you every step of the way.